You know what I hate more than this feeling inside

Because it�s not mine

Someone else put it there

But 4 years go by and you start to remember things that could have happened

But probably didn�t

But could have

Am I remembering the hall after all these years

Am I forgetting which order I pointed at pictures on my wall

Am I forgetting to remember that I left my electric blanket on

I wish my memory was either better or worse since how it is doesn�t help me

I think of that beer can

That stale taste that only happens when it�s been halfway gone for hours

And hours

And hours

I swish the can around in my head a little- hearing the noise and tasting in my mind what it would have tasted like had I finished it.

And there it is

Phone call to mom and dad- grandpa�s mass being hit with the news and then the superbowl.. watching with clothes on that weren�t mine after finally being able to shower and change �and shower�. Staring off the three of us didn�t really watch the game we all watched to see what I would do�I was even my own audience�.

But remembering electric blankets and my bear on the ground isn�t going to make it all go away today since I know I had that night mare again- the one where they all come back to me � everyone I ever cared for and tell me the horrors of what they do now.. I hate that dream----

So my head has been cupped in my hand for 15 minutes and I should look away and stop thinking for some time

Right?

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