Self Exploration

2004-01-21 | 9:03 a.m.
2:00 am 1.20.2004

My head was on your pillow

And I could see you staring at me

Then I would close my eyes and think to myself:

This is not happening- why can�t I smile-

And then I curled into your chest, my eyes still closed and felt your heart beat

It wasn�t happening again otherwise I never would have been able to do that

And this�.

I wasn�t drunk

I wasn�t high

I wasn�t trying to re-create a situation � again

I didn�t need anything from you, I wanted things from you- I wanted to hear your heartbeat again

You accept me � my life, my body, my logic, my whims

The killing moon was on the radio when I drove route 60 home

I thought I was going to cry

But I didn�t

Instead I just stared off driving no faster than 25 the whole way home

Lost in thought

Lost in you

Lost in myself

I went home and had that dream last night

That interchangeable awful dream that I�ve dreamt so many times

I think you were in It but I cannot be sure

Writing at 2:00 am