Self Exploration

2002-12-03 | 11:25 p.m.
moreoldWrITIng

moreoldwriting

11:23 PM

THUrsdAY...

fun IN thE Sun, SUn in ThE FuN

And ROAMing and ROAmIng

into a StreAm of BloOD

inTO a memORy of BiLE

ANd No oNe UNdERStands Myself

NO onE BeinG Me

ANd nOW Nothing But HUrt

ANd i Blame MyseLF buT i Blame You

DOn�t GET INvolvED iF yoU aRE goinG to THroW BAck

THrOW BAcK Your HEad KNOck ONe BAck

ANd TAke ANOtheR SHowER WATCh the CLean Turn To FILTh

ANd then wouls YOu ASk ME to BAthE in THE sun

THen WouLD you TURN So CRAzy At ME, doINg ThE EXpected thAT i knew

WOULD be?

WOuld it be wrong to turn back to those days, those water baby days mom insists never

happened. Would it be wrong to remember the first step into the ocean after the hot sand

had burned so hard. Would it be wrong of me to toss me a bone to remember what is

mine and NOt what is hypnotic... perhaps the memories i have made up are far better

than those that i could ONLy IMagine......what if These other memories are the ones i

breathe in my head... and what if it all just went away?

Just doctor, another doctor telling me the same...just advice that i would never buy

handed to me in a unisom voice. Just rely on me my friends... just pop a pill and the

World would be a better place. YOu wouldn�t be thinking and you would reach out .

Not to those people who try to reach out. Test after test and prescriptions after sessions

have left me wiht nothing in the real world... it means i can function a shell of a

thoguht.... it means i can function and walk... it means i can kiss but it doesn�t mean i

will ever feel it.... it means i could die but that feeling i would know.. the only truth that i

can offer is that i am sitting on a porch knowing what is wrong and knowing i can�t

control it.

Why does this porch not fall out from under me like the bed and the life and the health....

too soon i know that...all in good time.

numb your tongue and it will forget to speak.

and suddenly i knew nothing.