Just about had it with the day, burned out- not tired, something else entirely. The afternoon is going by slowly and I�m listening to everyone in the office run around with the madness of creating new strategies as the old ones fall weakly to the floor. I get a voicemail from a friend and he�s in-between shifts cooking and I listen have hearing him and telling someone the mail hasn�t been coming until 3:00. I keep thinking about the gym later this afternoon, this evening by the time I get out. And I�m staring off again letting the music stream and hearing office gibberish. There are notes around my desk telling me which project to more onto- and reminders I have set on my computer that tell me to move on to the next thing during the day. I�m efficient here. I�m always efficient.

Last night I lay in bed and thought about progress. Two years. I keep my focus, breathing in the time. Two years. I like to think I can close my eyes and remember it all but I can�t. I like to think I can close my eyes and feel it all again but I can�t. But quickly here are the triggers I do think about:

Kate calls to tell me about her fender bender while I was in the shower- it all hits me that California isn�t the place for me either, I�m never going to save money or pay off debt, I�m never going to better myself, I�m going to be a workaholic forever, and here�s one of the biggies- things with HIM are just going to get worse until it turns into something more familiar and awful than I can explain- so I decide to leave (after an interlude in Vegas) � I pack everything by myself, mail everything in giant boxes with large amounts of tape, come home for 4 days, drop the feral tabby off, and then fly back to Oakland again to work for two weeks as a personal favor for a boss that became a mentor and a friend- fly back- move back in with the rents- pick up where I left off- unhappy and motivated and I find it all again.. two weeks later I�m with job at design company and hanging out till 3:00 am.- my first week at work I request my first day off for a funeral, for a guy whom told me all he wanted from me in the end was to be close enough to go to my wedding someday- I have no idea how to be the supportive friend I once was- everything goes on as it had been- the parties, the friends, the D & D- the money problems- once you reach the very bottom my best friend shows me how close to death I can get by stopping my heart and letting me die for a few seconds. I wake up gasping and scared hours later- I get home at 5:00 am, crawl in through the front door- bump into my mother and she thinks I�m drunk and mad at her- the cat purrs my face (knowing there is something wrong and I wake up two hours later to go to work and puke the whole way in on the t and the whole day at work and complain of food poisoning- I tell no one for days- and when I do you ask for help (this time) from the people who can help me, I get it (and continue to)- so thinking about it now- I�m not at the design studio- after spending nearly tow years there, my salary has been bumped up $10K so my money problems are slowly going away, and have stopped my awful dating habits and met the greatest man (and been with him a little over a year) and been straight for a while. I go to the gym everyday, I�m early to work everyday but leave on time and eat the proper amount of fruit everyday-I feel boring but maybe boring isn�t so bad when you don�t feel like you have to run from things. Maybe boring isn�t so bad.

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