You know I�m sitting here thinking of you [Nate] and it�s all getting a little more fuzzy which is good- or it makes it feel better�. I�m thinking of the day you spent the whole day with me in the office because you walked me into work after our chance meeting in my bed� you laid there and I worked. You didn�t want to go home and face it all. SO right now I just want to list the things I want to remember so as not to forget.

The little shamrock. Getting on the train that Christina called the shamrock express. Walking in the door thinking of O�keefes and how my life was there, once. How I was happy there looking forward to Friday nights and then here I am with you around sunset in a little Irish bar, happy. It all gets blurry that night, but I still have the book you had someone write Kelly and Nate in with a picture of you pressed inside it.

I�ll remember standing on the stoop in-between the kitchen and the bar waiting for you to walk me upstairs. I don�t quite remember how that all started but it did and it was obvious.

Going out with you for the first time- just us- having a few beers on you you since we just got paid� having a boy hit on me while you went out for a cigarette break (you can�t smoke in California bars) and you coming back in saying �I can�t leave you alone for two seconds��and getting jealous but telling the guy that we were just friends� getting thrown out of a strip club- the hustler club, having the grand total of the evening come to $180 in alcohol� and waking up the next day late for work naked, hungover with no recollection as to who was going to be beside me for at least 5 seconds.. and then I kicked your foot and figured out it was you.. and I was relieved..

The giants game, all those collectors plastic cups we forgot because we were drunk. Fighting afterwards because I wanted to go home and you refused to go back with me after promising to--- I took the Bart and stumbled thru Oakland so angry I think I was talking to myself�.

It wasn�t the same after that night�. And you wrote on my ticket �kelly�s first giant�s game� and on yours you wrote �nate�s first giant�s game with Kelly� -- at that game you had a headache and I missed half an inning trying to find an EMT stand that would give me asprin since none of them women that looked like moms to us had any. I came back and the girl behind me said I was a good girlfriend.

Petting a guinea pig at some kids house that we made friends with at a bar.. it was late and that was the last time you came home with me� it was so very late�.

Taking taxi rides that cost me $40 to get from SF to Oakland after I always missed the last Bart vying for your attention�.

Lefty O�doul�s.. sitting there waiting for you to get off work 4 hours at a time just to have a beer with you and go home� and arguing that night� pleading with you to just tell me what I did.. and you walked away to catch your bus�and I cried on the bart for the first and only time knowing that wasn�t the only time you brought me to tears�

�I liked it better when you laughed�

Having you call me from a pay phone at lefty�s because you and Christina had fought and you didn�t know who else to call.. we watched episodes of the Simpson�s and laid in my bed with the cat until we both fell asleep�

You were always so tired from sleeping poorly on the couch that I always just wanted you in mine bed�.

Making plans for all the things we were going to do

You reminded me of a cross between Bill and greg from the moment I met you. Turned out you were entirely different�

Mashed potatoes with a lemon as a smile and chocolate as the eyes

You finishing everything I hadn�t on my plate

You promising me days to be together and you canceling.. Easter was spent alone, very alone.

The weekend I had a breakdown� everyone was gone and I had no one to talk to while watching requiem for a dream

The way my cat liked to lay next to you.

Your laugh.

�_____ called they want their ________ back�

�wow, you look nice today�

�I wish I was with you�

�I miss you�

�I had this dream�.�

You telling me how happy you had been in other relationships� you just talking about being happy made me happy

Telling everyone that I just wanted you to be happy but knowing full well that I wanted �us� to be happy.

Saying good-bye to you and you promising to call. Giving you the drawing and knowing you would look at it at least and wonder what I did think of you.

Eating at Ben and nic�s and showing you Oakland

Going grocery shopping at midnight after a night on the town�and you making me the best mac and cheese ever� and burning the pizza

Walking around the nrth beach festivel getting hammered with Karen, meeting up with you after- randomly, well nto so randomly, and making plans to have a last time of sight seeing with you.. and you did show up the next day, late enough that I thought you weren�t with the amber vision sunglasses

Karen talking to you in the morning thinking it was me

You saying you were going to get your own place

Rene�s apartment

The meeting I had to sit in on

Everyone talking about us including our boss

You picking me up that day, driving me home from work � you in flip flops and that tan sweater

Ranch dip

Birk clogs

Your accent

Knowing now that the only way I could talk to you now is if you really do call and knowing you have lost my number at least 10 times.

I do it to myself

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Last Five:
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PrePAid Cell PhONE - 2005-07-12
NOrTH BeaCh ConcLUsioN - 2005-07-14
An IPOD's SHuffle Can BE so CruEL - 2005-07-15
PatIENce is AS PatiENCE Will - 2005-07-28