this is old writing but it's a release...

If the daydreams were better maybe the nightmares would be worthwhile. But they aren�t___If I look directly in people�s eyes I am sure I can see myself staring right back. I would have to look at people�s eyes closely to see and I don�t do that. I look at people the way they look at me, with pity and loathing. I touched my face, for the first time in what seemed like years. I couldn�t remember the last time I just felt my face, maybe it was just moments before but maybe it had been years. I felt around for scars that were never there. I felt around for something horrible, but there wasn�t anything there. I was always having others touch me because I never wanted to feel myself. I couldn�t look down in the absence of clothes. I couldn�t let myself. I couldn�t bring myself any kind of pleasure, Hating my hands with too much strength. My face was soft and it felt beautiful even though I didn�t believe it. HE TOLD ME IT DID THOUGH. HE TOLD ME I LOOKED BEAUTIFUL NOW. AFTER YEARS OF HOLDING MYSELF/ REJECTING MYSELF/ TOUCHING NOT TOUCHING.. AND MYSELF...

I stood there in front of a mirror in the bathroom. My hair didn�t look strange, my body didn�t look strange, and my eyes glowed a steel gray. All this before me in the bad lighting of the bathroom, all this truth in this mirror, and I didn�t believe it. Was this me? I looked normal again, human. I had cut my incredible long hair. I had taken so many steps to be unattractive, and I was standing there radiating in blue

jeans. I had failed myself again. It wasn�t me I hated, I knew that. I just couldn�t find it in me to hate an entire gender when hating myself was so much easier. I have been treading water for so long never once trying to swim towards shore. Never once opening my eyes. Just fighting. I carried mace with me everywhere, I had a phone with an emergency switch on it and I took women�s self defense. All this in preparation for a war that had never started. I didn�t fear the unknown, I feared what I did know. It was men. I hear a voice whispering quietly in one ear, promising me safety. I could feel lips resting softly on my ear, arms wrapped around my waist squeezing me as close as my mother would if I was going to fall. Closer than I had ever held my teddy bear <>

I COULD SEE HANDS HOLDING ONTO MINE, FEEL THEM GRABBING MY WRISTS, BRUISING THEM. I WOULD LOOK AT THEIR HANDS GRABBING THEMSELVES, SCRATCHING THEMSELVES AND MIMICKING MOVEMENTS..movements maybe my hips made in the shadows...That is all I could look at, I couldn�t look at them. I would stare down wo

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