she died a little while ago. Maria left a message telling me. I cried immediately. I was in the passenger side of a black car. I cried, the man in the next car watched. Maybe it was because I knew she was next, that voice on my machine, the voice so many years futher away than miles. Maybe if she had been older it whould have hurt less. Maybe. Maybe it was because I wanted to be next to her now under the ground or with her in some way, letting her have a family. Maybe I'm just remembered the me that walked away from her last. Maybe I'm just remembering how deep I was... remebered how lonely I still am. Maybe it's the lack of meds but I don't feel so well. It all comes in conversations, words from the past phrases and my ideas they just drift off. It's 2 am and I lay alone and wonder will I always be like this even if I share a bed.

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