There are few times in my life where I have felt so out of control and I know I don�t remember those. Remember the sweat you had tasted from his eyelids when you had meant to kiss his forehead and accidentally kissed lower because it goes away, the opportunity always goes away. The eyes were supposed to be some door and since it was inadvertent then didn�t it mean you wanted it more, didn�t it mean he needed you more. The first thing I�ve written in so long. And it feels so unsteady, just like my hands again. What an awful memory. I�m staring up at nothing, thinking of my eyes and knowing there�s something there that makes me look different than someone, anyone. There�s something different there that makes me different when I gain weight and I lose weight and when I�m straight and when I�m high and when I�ve just thrown myself down to see why I wanted to be high. I want to travel inside myself and explore like I used to, now I just lay there as if it is all beginning again. I fear hating the beginnings� that�s the chance- what keeps me up at night and what makes me sleep during the day

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PatIENce is AS PatiENCE Will - 2005-07-28