i've taken all of this stuff and used it in other entries so you might not want to read it... Stuff on my work computer.....

I wondered why the night could still be a virgin and I couldn�t be. Why I was awake for every stop except my own. I woke up somewhere ways away from my house, not too far, but far enough after a long day. It felt like it was going to rain all day today, but it didn�t, but that�s all I could think about today, worrying that I would get wet, and I never did. I think my worry lines hurt my face, they look like they would.

I had a boyfriend who called California Cali- I hated that. He said a lot of things I hated- he knew that.

I think that he still thinks about me. I don�t want him to. Maybe I want him to understand that he is never going to be famous, that he is never going to be an actor, that he is not loving a movie and that he is not a beautiful person. I want him to know his hair is almost gone and his stomach is bigger than a size 32 now. I don�t know why that bothers him so�. and that soon his teeth will rot because of the drugs and smoking of his youth and he will have nothing. And that someday he will hang out in a bar because he will need the life there not yearn for it.

The stool next to him will always be empty.

And one worry line will always be from him.

******

I went to that bar again. The one where I drink all night and refuse to go into the bathroom. And what does that say exactly? Is it time to play that game, the one that was fun when you were little, the bragging game. Okay, for me, a person who has found herself staring up from cold wet parking lots with ash in her hair and some other girls make up from two nights ago strewn about her face and body looking up star struck with a trickle of burn running from my nose down my throat. I�m looking up because I know when I move my body will be in pain�

******

There are few times in my life where I have felt so out of control and I know I don�t remember those. Your brain it does a funny thing, like a man will do, it blocks the bad thoughts, like they never happened, like other men never happened, like you had never been used, never been kissed never been

And it was never going to be the same again, the kissing the dancing the random lights and the beautiful hallucinations. The sweat you had tasted from his eyelids when you had meant to kiss his forehead and accidentally kissed lower. That had been a sign because the eyes were supposed to be some door and since it was inadvertent then didn�t it mean you wanted it more, didn�t it mean he needed you more.

The first thing I�ve written in so long. And it feels so unsteady, just like my hands again. What an awful memory. I�m staring up at nothing, thinking of my eyes and knowing there�s something there that makes me look different that someone, anyone. There�s something different there that makes me different when I gain weight and I lose weight and I�m straight and when I�m high and when I�ve just thrown myself down to see why I wanted to be high. I want to travel inside myself and explore like I used to, now I just lay there as if it is all beginning again. I fear hating the beginnings� that�s the chance-

What keeps me up at night

And what makes me sleep during the day

******

I think she heard my voice shake and my teeth crack from the pain, the intensity. I think she heard it all this time. Like she had heard it a month before, a year before and years before that. The same pleading but can you ever understand prey when you�ve always had sharp teeth and something dead at your feet. I told her she knows why she does the things she does. She says she doesn�t. I told her that she lied to me. She told me that she didn�t. I told her when she lied and cupped the phone and stared first at feet and then at the ceiling hoping that somewhere in the stucco I would lose the thought and we would stop or the phone would die. It didn�t. She did it to get through the day now, just like lying to me, she did it to go to sleep at night. She did it to wake up. It was her breath for her. It was her air, it was her water, it was her mother for as long as she could remember and now it was her best friend and lover, replacing me when once we had all been equal, the three of us sitting at a table seeing who would leave first.

What do you do when you�ve introduced the captive to the captor? What do you do when you can visit the hostage and you can stand in the middle of the war that you introduced knowing you won�t die but know that everyone else will. Everyone else will because of your tea party that you didn�t want to have with an imaginary friend.

You tell yourself that they did it. That they are their own bosses, their own freaks, friends, something�s� something that they hate�

Something you hate.. but once you decided you were too tired to dance and you turned around and grabbed her hand and grabbed his hand and they both smiled, and in that minute that you wanted a drink, that you needed that break, you never danced again, with her, with him, with them.

And the water is gone and you have no reason to be standing at the edge of the floor, but you don�t know if you should leave since the music is still on.

******

I think I heard you whispering you again, but it was my voice again and you weren�t there and I wasn�t there. I had never been there.

I cried after my shower today. Not different for you, different for me. I had always cried in the shower, the stifling water so they wouldn�t hear me break down, they always wanted to hear me break down. I screamed this morning at a shirt in my closet. A moan of exasperation, of a sick day form life I just couldn�t take. I know the day is coming when I know I just can�t take anymore. I know it�s coming. She knows it�s coming to. She can see it when I can�t look at her, when the sleep feeds me instead of living.

They are making me die. They are forcing me to live this life, to die in this life in this youth that I will never have again. And it is painful everyday, every minute, every second.

******

and that's everything I think I want to save from this computer muse.

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